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Living with an ex after a breakup can be tricky. Experts explain how to set boundaries, manage finances, and plan your exit.
Living under the same roof with your former partner after a breakup is a tricky situation. It’s a tough spot some cash-strapped Canadians have found themselves in: not being able to leave the shared apartment because they don’t have enough money for a new place. Experts say they need to weigh factors such as safety and emotional capacity against staying in the shared home while they plan and save up money for an exit.
The move has to be thought through in stages, said Chantel Chapman, founder of Trauma of Money, a certification program that teaches professionals a trauma-sensitive approach to money.
First, it’s important to identify the urgency of moving out, she said. If you’re not safe in the environment, the urgency is high. “If that’s the case, then you don’t really have the privilege of planning. It’s more about survival,” she said. Chapman said in these circumstances, it would be better to stay with a friend or family member to avoid dealing with an unsafe or difficult environment.
If there’s no safety concern, there’s a bit more room to think through the change.
While it looks different for everyone, Chapman said to start with mapping what moving out would look like and how much it would cost. Then plan realistically how quickly you’d be able to acquire the funds to do so. Take that timeline and compare it with your emotional capacity, she said. “There’s a lot of back and forth between the dollars and the budget required, and then your emotional capacity, your emotional budget,” Chapman said.
Heather Thom often hears concerns from her clients about whether they’d be able to move out, find a place that’s still close to work or family, and land on their feet again. “There are so many things that they would have to figure out,” Thom, a registered professional counsellor and life coach, said. “But it’s also they’re starting over and it could be very scary.”
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Thom said it’s important to set a deadline for a move-out so you can mentally prepare. She suggested allowing yourself two to three months to get your finances in order.
“A lot of people who are living together have shared expenses and they might not necessarily think about that right away when they breakup,” Thom said. Many couples share rent, groceries, utility, and internet costs, and it’s easier to pay bills in a dual-income household, she said. “It can be quite a shock to them in terms of how expensive things can be after leaving the relationship,” Thom said.
Thom said you also need to figure out what happens to the current home—who moves out and who stays, who will embark on an exhausting hunt for a new home and shoulder the overall cost of moving. “There’s just a lot of decision fatigue that can happen during that time,” she said.
After the breakup but while you’re still in the same space, Thom said it’s important to set boundaries and emotionally detach yourself, such as limiting interactions in shared spaces and having minimal conversations about daily life or future plans. That might mean not having meals together, cooking together, or going shopping together, for example.
Chapman said people who’ve lived together for a long time need to check their legal rights and responsibilities. She said if a couple has a cohabitation agreement, it would help look at the assets or liabilities they each brought into the relationship.
Chapman said prioritizing needs is important in this situation and whether you choose to stay or leave right away, there are pros and cons.
Prioritizing finances may mean facing awkward situations in the shared home for a few weeks or months, while focusing on mental health by moving quickly risks rushing into a decision—or a new place—that may not be good for you.
Thom said prolonging your stay after the breakup can also raise the risk of being pulled back into the relationship. The affordability panic, combined with the fresh hurt of a relationship breakdown, can make it really easy to romanticize the relationship even when it has run its course, she said.
“They’re afraid of what the future is going to look like without their life partner, and also financially,” Thom said. “People need to just recognize that, yeah, it might be tough for a little while, but things will get better.”
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